Yo mama so dumb, she tried to use whiteout on her computer screen.

A woman was giving birth soon. The doctor told her an her husband that there was an experimental machine that could transfer the pain of labor to the father. They agreed to try it. The day arrived and the doctor set the machine at 10%. The husband wasn't phased and told the doctor to turn it up. The pregnancy pain was transferred more and more and at 100% the mother had a pain free labor and the husband didn't notice a thing. They took the baby home and the mailman was dead in the porch.

[translated from Yiddish] The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?" "Adolf Cumguzzler." The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?" "*Franz* Cumguzzler." (Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)

The difference is pull start or push start.

Did you hear about the Boxer who couldn't tell jokes. But they had a punchline.

... from being a bad liver.

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?” “I’m from Ireland.” “No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?” “Grew up in Wexford.” “Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!” “Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?” “I went to St Peters Secondary” “ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?” “1979” “1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!” Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?” To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

Beer nuts cost $3.99/lb. But deer nuts are under a buck.

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

An oncologist